Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Let the feels out

*Brace yourselves this is a long one!*

Now everyone always talks about relationships, including friendships, but over the past two years I think I’ve had pretty rubbish times involving friends and guys. Now because I’m so nice they will all remain nameless but I guess if they read this they’ll know who they are.

If my friends read this they may think me stupid for writing something about love and relationships because they have only seen me with one guy. There are many things I choose not to tell my friends. This is because of a number of reasons. Mainly I’m ashamed of the choices I made in the past. However, I believe that they have made me the person I am today. I’m stronger for the pain and emotional torment they put me through. I’m also a better judge of character. I’ve learnt to keep a few friends close and more importantly I’ve learnt to forgive those who deserve a second, third or even tenth chance! I’m known as a soft person who fails dismally to stick up for herself but I feel this is because i have a pretty poor view of myself.

*Taylor Swift- Forever and Always just happens to play on my iPod...thanks shuffle how did you know?!*

My final year of high school was probably my toughest in terms of emotions. I fell out with a lot of my friends and consequently I was pushed to look elsewhere for new friends. After my brother and I grew closer together I made his games console my new favourite thing. I would play black ops everyday and it became an addiction. Soon I was playing alone and met a lot of people online some I am still really close to even to this day. I have to say at a low point in my life I was able to talk to those people who were interested in me and didn’t judge me on looks. Now you’re all probably thinking that I was desperate, yes there were some creeps on there but in all honestly it’s easy to find people who are actually really cool and down to earth on there. My friend Chloe is probably one of my best friends I made on there. I could literally trust her with all my problems! I have to thank her for sticking around in that lobby the first day we met. Guys were following me around the map and getting me killed and doing inappropriate stuff to my online character so I told them to go and follow the other girl in the lobby instead. Next thing I hear “oh yeah thanks meg for that”. We stayed together the rest of the night and two years on we’re still just as close and i can honestly say there has never been one conversation where she hasn’t made me laugh till I’m in tears.

I have to admit I became attached to a lot of my guy friends on there and in some cases wished we could’ve been more than friends because they were so lovely when I had known them for two years. I mean it doesn’t seem like a long time but in emotional teen years it feels like I’ve known them all my life. I trusted Chloe with everything. She was there to cheer me up when things at school and then sixth form weren’t going to plan and I think I can safely say that she helped me a lot in terms of self confidence and viewing each day with a positive attitude. She is someone who has inspired me because in all honesty I admire her for everything she has done so far in her life! Although I don’t play Xbox anymore the few and close relationships I made with friends online I transferred to twitter etc and the ones who made the effort stuck around in my life.

My recent relationship held a lot of memories I wish I could relive. I think it’s the thing that made me realise that I hate being on my own. However, it took my friends to intervene and tell me that I deserved better! Although, I miss the thought that I had someone in my life that cared and loved me like he did (or used to) I know that I was deliberately avoiding breaking up with him through fear of being alone and never finding anyone again. To this day I cry myself to sleep most nights because I’m still confused as to how it ended and why I let myself be dumped by him twice. Going out in town was something I used to enjoy and now every time I’ve gone out I’ve cried! I mean I have been so emotional! It’s not just because of the guy, it’s everything just building up and the realisation that soon my life will be so different. I’m excited to start a fresh and I think there’s a part of me somewhere that views blogging as something to take my mind off the hurt I still feel from my previous relationship. I’m lucky enough to have amazing friends in my life that are there to support me and give me the best pep talks I could ask for.

Friends, I’ve had pretty tough times with them as well. However, I am lucky to have formed close bonds with a few who I feel are worth my time and energy! They care about me and they know me so well. To name a few; Rais, he is probably the best guy friend I could ever ask for. He always supports me and looks out for me; also he has recently become my new gig buddy introducing me to some amazing bands. Abz, my twin who understands my obsessions for Disney and YouTube! I literally couldn’t imagine my life without ‘Abzigail’ because she will always stick up for me, support me and give me the much needed pep talks on a daily basis! Hannah, who was my childhood best friend, has also still been a really good friend to me even though she lives in Essex! I can’t thank her enough for listening to my rants on the phone and consoling me when I regularly got upset. I am so thankful that she is moving up north so I can finally see her more often!

This blog goes out to you guys, my family, friends and all of you reading this. Thanks for being a part of some of my 18 years on this earth and to my close friends and family thank you for carrying me through these tough 3 years. I couldn’t have done it without your support. It really means so much to know that you’re all there for me.

And to all the guys that have broken my heart, hurt me or even just didn’t give me a chance. I know I’m worth ten times more than the rubbish you put me through. One day I’ll find the right guy who accepts me flaws and all!

So that’s the end of this blog. Thanks for reading.

“The rest is still unwritten”


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