Monday, 4 April 2016

Moody Monday's Volume 22: Everything happens for a reason

Hello Everyone 

I haven't written since the beginning of 2016 and I can say that so much has happened to me since I last blogged, not all good. I have had this post in draft since the middle of February. As today is April 1st and it's not long till my birthday I decided to stop putting off finishing this post and hurry up and post it! My motto for 2016 has been to believe that everything happens for a reason. It has become a mantra that I am reciting again and again as more and more things don't go as I expected them to.

As many of you know I have been completing my final year teaching placement. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it was the best few months of my life, it was far from it. This final year placement would have been enough to put anyone off teaching forever and if I'm being perfectly candid, it nearly put me off too. However, I'm a tough cookie and with the help, love and support from my family and friends I managed to go in and face each day with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. When training you expect to be supported and given guidance and support from your mentors. It is a tough profession that is currently receiving a lot of bad press. More teachers are leaving every day and I thought this would mean that we would be working together and helping one another. It's disheartening to still see that many teachers and school teams are working against trainees, which is why many choose not to seek employment as a teacher when they graduate. The government is receiving a lot of criticism for the rising levels of teachers leaving the profession, however I don't think they are solely to blame. Too often schools are very hostile towards trainees and we are ending up being trained by teachers who no longer want to teach and if your face doesn't fit in a school they make it very difficult for you to remain in the establishment. I really don't understand why some teachers feel the need to do that. It shouldn't be a competition, we should all be supportive of one another to ensure that we can offer the best experiences to the children in our classes. If we work together we are only going to continue to improve and ensure that we all progress in our training and feel supported by our peers. Which can only be a good thing as we can challenge each other in a positive way, which furthers our training and experience. Teaching allows us to develop and it's not something that you will stop and see you ultimately know everything. It's a profession where you are continually learning and change is happening all the time. In order to tackle the changes made we need to unite and support every single member without judgement. Falling apart and criticising one another will be our downfall.

The reality is that I have failed my final year placement. It has been heartbreaking trying to come to terms with what has happened, because a lot of what went wrong could not have been prevented by myself. I was trying so hard to impress people that ultimately just weren't interested in helping me. I have felt let down in many ways by a number of people who should've been supporting me. The result of me failing my placement has meant that I will no longer graduate in July with my friends. I will instead resit the placement in September with a view to graduate in December. It's a harsh reality that I've had to face and accept and it is hard to accept something you feel is unjust and wrong. Although life can be cruel and there really is nothing you can do about it. After feeling low for a few months I decided to try and put placement behind me and focus on me. I needed to try and become happier as a person and pick myself up after that school had knocked me down. It is important to ensure that you can't let someone change you and defeat you. If they beat you down it's important to stand up and face the fight again and again because you are strong enough. We all are and we shouldn't let them win.

A topic that has been spoken about in the media recently is that of mental health. A link tutor of mine, who was supposed to be providing support made an unprofessional comment about my mental health in front of staff members at the school. People who know me understand that this was completely uncalled for. There is no justification that someone should make a backhand comment in the way that she did. Although I was incredibly hurt and offended by the comment and the unprofessionalism of this person, I did not let that deter me. This 'failure' has motivated me more to prove those people wrong. They had formed an idea in their head about me and they couldn't see the work and effort I was putting in to please them. I want to tell you all that whatever people say to you, no matter how mean or hurtful it is, ignore those comments. Negativity has surrounded me like thick fog recently and I have tried so hard to push that away so that I can refocus on the positives. Remaining positive in these situations was in no way easy. I am lucky to have friends who came to see, support and listen to me as much as they could. I had family there to catch me every time I fell. I am also lucky to have found a boyfriend who could not be more supportive with everything I do. Surround yourself with a network of people who will support you. They will be your allies through the rough times. Without this support network I would not have made it through placement without more scars. I may also have chosen to drop out of uni and forget teaching altogether. This network of loved ones have reminded me of all the things I loved about teaching. Focusing on that passion is what has allowed me to return back to a school to volunteer.

I remember when I was younger I fell off my horse, riding through the park. My mum said that in order to move on I needed to get back on that horse or I would never do it again. This knock back in my teaching career is similar to that moment. In order for me to be able to teach again I needed to get back into a school. I have returned to my second year placement school who were completely supportive and are doing everything they can to build me back up to teach again. This situation has shown me how resilient and strong I am as a person. I can't underestimate that and anyone else who has experienced similar things to myself you can't underestimate yourself. I am incredibly proud of how I have handled everything life has thrown at me recently.

Failing placement is an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with. I have to admit these last few weeks I've cried just from looking at Facebook and seeing friends sharing their placement grades and how they've got jobs. I wish that was me, but it's not something I could control nor is it something I can change now. In some ways I didn't have the relaxed Christmas holidays I wanted. After a messy and terrible break up with my previous boyfriend I had to try and focus everything on this placement. In some ways that might have affected me more than I realised. He moved on so quickly after me and whilst I was angry and hurt at the time, I'm happy that he's found someone that makes him happy. Continuing a relationship that made us both unhappy was not in our best interests. I am only speaking for myself, but being away from that relationship has been good for me. It has taken time sure, like all break ups take time to get over.  However, I am done harvesting bad feelings towards people because it makes you a negative person. I want to focus on my future and being happy.

Focusing on my future and being happy has allowed me to find Scott. He has found me at a time in my life when I was particularly low and has stayed with me through all of that. Together we have worked on my house, spent so much time together and talked for hours on end about the things that are bothering me. I'm happy that I can cry in front of him without feeling worried about showing my feelings. Although I am not fully back to the positive person I used to be I am slowly getting there and that is because of the help of Scott, my family and friends. I cannot thank them enough for everything they have done. I am so lucky to have them.

I have finally moved into my house and with the help of Scott we are trying to finish the painting off so that I can have a party there for my birthday. I want to celebrate my 21st with my family, friends and Scott. Just a small get together will make me really happy this year. Now I am focusing on each day and taking it as it comes. I'm focusing on finishing uni with a good degree classification and have a fab Summer so that I am ready to begin my placement in September. I will not be beaten, teaching is for me. You can't let your enemies win, you're better than that. I'm going to finish this post here before I go into full emotional meltdown and this post gets more ranty!

For now I'll enjoy the short outbursts of sun!
Thank you for continuing to read my posts and sticking with me. I really appreciate every view, comment and message from you all. Don't forget to follow me on my links below!

"The rest is still unwritten"


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