New Year...a new me as well?

Hello Everyone

I'm sat here nearly at the end of my Christmas holiday and I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. 2015 has been a defining year for me in more ways than one. I fell in love, I had my heart broken, I've cried more times than I can count and I also made huge steps with my University degree, which I think has made me a better teacher. This holiday hasn't been completely relaxing and enjoyable for me, so I think it would be safe to say that I want to end 2015 on a high. I've decided to spend it having a girly night in with my Mum and my Auntie and the pooches, with takeaway and wine! I am looking forward to 2016. I will be once again beginning the year single, which will be nothing new! I mean I've never actually been in a relationship over Christmas and New Year so it won't be that much of a change right? Difficult decisions were made regarding my relationship status and unfortunately there was nothing I could really do to keep that working anymore. I'm not going to lie I'm upset, but I'm also positive that I will find the right person for me eventually and that will be the right thing for me! I have lots to look forward to in 2016 so I don't have time to mope around the house and be upset. Megan needs to focus on applying for jobs, teaching and spending time with friends and family.

A sad note is that I also have yet to move into my house. It's annoying to see it sat there almost ready, however Mum doesn't want me moving in when I haven't got the essentials in there (a working shower). Obviously that is so important when coming home from a stressful day teaching and I want to relax! So I'm going to dedicate weekends and free time to go and finish the house whenever I can fit it in and I'm sure my lovely family will also help out. I am really am so thankful for them and they've made this festive period easier and happier for me. 

New Years Resolutions, I've never been very good at making them, let alone keeping them! However, this year I am ready to make a few and stick to them I'm determined! Now I am single I am ready to focus on me and get fit. I want to lose weight and get the body I know I deserve, which in turn will help me grab the man I deserve. The second resolution is to get a job teaching in a school I am really happy with. The dream is obviously to be an Early Years Teacher, however as long as i'm in a good school that is supportive and values me I'm happy with Years 1 and 2 too. My final resolution is to be happy. I can do this by spending time with family and friends and being happy with myself. 

So I'm sorry for being away for a while, it's bad of me. I didn't want to bore you and I also didn't feel like writing when I was so low. Although, here I am ready to continue on this journey with you. I'm ready to share things with you because this is a place I can just puke my feelings and somehow make them form words. 

Thank you so much for sticking with me, I really appreciate it. 

OOOH! How could I forget?! I also started writing for Spice UK Online this year. I haven't posted so much as I have been busy and priorities have taken over, but I am ready to change that this year and schedule some posts. 

I hope you have all had a good Christmas and are ready to ring in the New Year! Please get in touch on my social media links and drop me a message if you like. 

Let me know what your resolutions are in the comments below! Thank you again!

"The rest is still unwritten"

Megan

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(my profile on the website, which also has all my posts I've written as well. Give me some support it will be appreciated!)

Moody Monday's Volume 21: Honesty

Hello Everyone.

Now for those who tune in at 5pm every Monday to read my post you probably saw that I wrote about a recent break up I was going through. After speaking with Luke I decided to remove it, as although that was what I was feeling in that moment, maybe it wasn't right to post it on social media at that time. I want to be completely honest with you all that I am actually going through one of the most stressful and confusing times to date, the last time I felt this way was in Sixth Form in my final year of A Levels. I put it down to it being my final year of University, it's important and becoming a teacher means I am entering into one of the most stressful and hard jobs there is right now. There is no right answer on how to do things right, and that's really scary.

I did spend the weekend with Luke and we seem to have resolved our issues for now. One thing I have learned is that you can't fully forget a problem, but you can move past it. I don't want to dwell on all the bad things that went wrong, I want to focus on the here and now and be with someone who genuinely does make me happy. We just need to work on a few things. I guess another thing I have learned is communication and listening. I find it so difficult to admit I am wrong, but I am aware more than ever now that I have a few things to work on. I just need to remember to find a balance between Luke, University, Friends, Family and Placement, because right now these are my main focus.

Blogging is also something I love and if I'm being honest (again) it really is a way for me to get my feelings down and out there for all to see. I want you to see me for me, with a few edits in places of course. I now understand that I just need to be careful what I write. I didn't think how the previous post would affect Luke and for that I am sorry.

Another big change in my life is losing someone who I thought was a close friend. I guess we ended up taking different paths and moving on to other things in our lives and we weren't the right fit for each other anymore. A few events that happened over the weekend left me feeling betrayed, but I truly did want to work out the issues we had. I guess you can't force someone to want to see you as a friend and that was a hard thing for me to realise. I can't call someone a true friend if they're willing to hurt me and not think of me as a friend. *cue BMTH- True Friends*

I just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who reads my rambles. Half the time I write a post I sit in silence staring at the screen letting my fingers type away every thought in my mind. Sometimes it can be great writing and other times less than perfect. However, I enjoy writing and posting for you all. I feel like this is my safe place to just tell you all how I'm feeling in the hope that someone, maybe one of you understands me? They say everything gets better and you understand life more when you're an adult. Although, I feel as lost as ever and my mind is definitely confused. Nevertheless, I'm not going to be beaten and I am going to get on with my assignments and prepare for placement, which starts next Monday (16th). Now that is a scary thought!

Once again thank you for reading. I welcome you to comment below if you are going through similar things to me or you just want a chat with me! My email is available here too. I hope you are all well and you're ready for this new week. I want the days to drag because I really need to get stuck into these assignments if I have any hope of doing well.

"The rest is still unwritten"

Megan

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Keeping the bond

Life always has it's ups and downs and everyone knows that when times get rough it's the support around you that helps you get through it. The sad thing is that we go through life and the people around us change all the time. I think it's bad that when we become closer to people we seem to forget the people we were close to previously. It's ok to make new relationships and friendships, but why would you want to completely forget the people who used to mean everything to you?

One of my regrets in life is that over the years I have lost some of my closest friends because of loss of contact and because it was difficult to keep in contact. If I spoke to them now some wouldn't even remember me and others wouldn't know how to hold a conversation with me. In short these people have become strangers to us. We don't know everything about them like we once used to and the trust that was previously there is now just a scar of what was before.

Why write a blog about this? Well since moving to university I have realised how important it is to make new friends as well as appreciating the existing friendships I already have. The more friends you have, the more support you receive when times are hard. My friends have moved to different parts of the UK and although I don't see them I still text them. Some are easier to keep in contact with like Abz because we have so much in common and because before she left we were so close. In all honesty I think I miss Abz the most. I miss going into sixth form and plugging in my iPod listening to 'Now That's What I Call Disney'. I also miss having our late night snapchat sessions whilst watching our favourite YouTubers. We called last night and tried to FaceTime, but it is difficult with her internet at University.

One friend who I wasn't as close to before University was Hannah. We were childhood best friends and she lives about an hour and a half from me now. However distance is no longer the obstacle, it is my timetable and funds! I think this is the worst I have felt. The feeling I get when I know I could see her but that I can't get there is the worst!

One thing I want to advise to people who are already at University or maybe thinking of moving to University or even people who are moving around or have friends moving, make sure you keep in touch with your current friends. It is nice to think that when you return home for the holidays you can be reunited with your old friends and have a good catch up! I think we take people for granted this time and once you lose a friend it is really hard to remake the bond you once had. Don't have any regrets with friendships or relationships you have lost. Life is too short for regrets.

"The rest is still unwritten"

Megan

Let the feels out

*Brace yourselves this is a long one!*

Now everyone always talks about relationships, including friendships, but over the past two years I think I’ve had pretty rubbish times involving friends and guys. Now because I’m so nice they will all remain nameless but I guess if they read this they’ll know who they are.

If my friends read this they may think me stupid for writing something about love and relationships because they have only seen me with one guy. There are many things I choose not to tell my friends. This is because of a number of reasons. Mainly I’m ashamed of the choices I made in the past. However, I believe that they have made me the person I am today. I’m stronger for the pain and emotional torment they put me through. I’m also a better judge of character. I’ve learnt to keep a few friends close and more importantly I’ve learnt to forgive those who deserve a second, third or even tenth chance! I’m known as a soft person who fails dismally to stick up for herself but I feel this is because i have a pretty poor view of myself.

*Taylor Swift- Forever and Always just happens to play on my iPod...thanks shuffle how did you know?!*

My final year of high school was probably my toughest in terms of emotions. I fell out with a lot of my friends and consequently I was pushed to look elsewhere for new friends. After my brother and I grew closer together I made his games console my new favourite thing. I would play black ops everyday and it became an addiction. Soon I was playing alone and met a lot of people online some I am still really close to even to this day. I have to say at a low point in my life I was able to talk to those people who were interested in me and didn’t judge me on looks. Now you’re all probably thinking that I was desperate, yes there were some creeps on there but in all honestly it’s easy to find people who are actually really cool and down to earth on there. My friend Chloe is probably one of my best friends I made on there. I could literally trust her with all my problems! I have to thank her for sticking around in that lobby the first day we met. Guys were following me around the map and getting me killed and doing inappropriate stuff to my online character so I told them to go and follow the other girl in the lobby instead. Next thing I hear “oh yeah thanks meg for that”. We stayed together the rest of the night and two years on we’re still just as close and i can honestly say there has never been one conversation where she hasn’t made me laugh till I’m in tears.

I have to admit I became attached to a lot of my guy friends on there and in some cases wished we could’ve been more than friends because they were so lovely when I had known them for two years. I mean it doesn’t seem like a long time but in emotional teen years it feels like I’ve known them all my life. I trusted Chloe with everything. She was there to cheer me up when things at school and then sixth form weren’t going to plan and I think I can safely say that she helped me a lot in terms of self confidence and viewing each day with a positive attitude. She is someone who has inspired me because in all honesty I admire her for everything she has done so far in her life! Although I don’t play Xbox anymore the few and close relationships I made with friends online I transferred to twitter etc and the ones who made the effort stuck around in my life.

My recent relationship held a lot of memories I wish I could relive. I think it’s the thing that made me realise that I hate being on my own. However, it took my friends to intervene and tell me that I deserved better! Although, I miss the thought that I had someone in my life that cared and loved me like he did (or used to) I know that I was deliberately avoiding breaking up with him through fear of being alone and never finding anyone again. To this day I cry myself to sleep most nights because I’m still confused as to how it ended and why I let myself be dumped by him twice. Going out in town was something I used to enjoy and now every time I’ve gone out I’ve cried! I mean I have been so emotional! It’s not just because of the guy, it’s everything just building up and the realisation that soon my life will be so different. I’m excited to start a fresh and I think there’s a part of me somewhere that views blogging as something to take my mind off the hurt I still feel from my previous relationship. I’m lucky enough to have amazing friends in my life that are there to support me and give me the best pep talks I could ask for.

Friends, I’ve had pretty tough times with them as well. However, I am lucky to have formed close bonds with a few who I feel are worth my time and energy! They care about me and they know me so well. To name a few; Rais, he is probably the best guy friend I could ever ask for. He always supports me and looks out for me; also he has recently become my new gig buddy introducing me to some amazing bands. Abz, my twin who understands my obsessions for Disney and YouTube! I literally couldn’t imagine my life without ‘Abzigail’ because she will always stick up for me, support me and give me the much needed pep talks on a daily basis! Hannah, who was my childhood best friend, has also still been a really good friend to me even though she lives in Essex! I can’t thank her enough for listening to my rants on the phone and consoling me when I regularly got upset. I am so thankful that she is moving up north so I can finally see her more often!

This blog goes out to you guys, my family, friends and all of you reading this. Thanks for being a part of some of my 18 years on this earth and to my close friends and family thank you for carrying me through these tough 3 years. I couldn’t have done it without your support. It really means so much to know that you’re all there for me.

And to all the guys that have broken my heart, hurt me or even just didn’t give me a chance. I know I’m worth ten times more than the rubbish you put me through. One day I’ll find the right guy who accepts me flaws and all!

So that’s the end of this blog. Thanks for reading.

“The rest is still unwritten”

Megan